My Wish Came True

My Sweet Jack,

Tonight, just like every night, I snuck into your room hours after tucking you in, needing one more look at your precious face.  And as I always do, I leaned over and kissed your soft cheeks. I traced your eyebrows with my fingers and whispered in your ear,  "Jack...you make me so, so happy. Sweet dreams, baby.  I love you so, so much."  

But tonight as I stepped away from your bed and began to walk away, I turned back for one more look.  One more glance.  To carry me until morning when your smile will be the first one I see.  And in that moment, something happened.  You were a baby again.  I don't know how it happened.  Maybe it was the light from the hall gently falling on your face.  Or maybe it was the way you had the pillow curled tightly under your right arm, causing your cheek to disappear into it's softness.  Or the way your mouth was open, causing you to snore quietly just as you did the first night we brought you home.  Really, what it was doesn't matter.  All that matters is that for a brief moment, you were tiny again.

The reality is you are growing so fast.  You are tall and lean, a far cry from the soft, chubby baby that fit perfectly in my arms .  The adorable crease is long gone from the bottom of your legs and that sweet, little line that makes an indention at the end of your nose seems to be fading away.  I ask you all the time to please stay this little forever and you giggle and tell me you just can't, insisting that you have to turn five on day.  And it is so bittersweet.  Because as much as I love watching you transform before my eyes, I am aching over the loss of "the baby you."  

So tonight, to see you looking so much like my baby, took my breath away.  A brief, fleeting moment that wiped away four years and left behind a delicate, tiny, perfect "baby you."  I took it in.  I took you in.  I traced your brows again.  I whispered into your ear, telling you again that I loved you so, wishing I could find the right words to make you understand just how much, but knowing I'll never be able to.  Because just as I've told you before, Jack, there simply are no words. 

What a blessing tonight was for me, the one who wishes she could always protect you and keep you small forever.   Because tonight, for a brief moment, my wish came true.

I love you.  More than you'll ever know.

Mama