Honesty

Dear Will,

One year ago today I found out I was pregnant with you. And I have a confession to make to you, I cried. And it wasn't tears of joy. They were tears of someone who was suddenly panicked, scared and overwhelmed by the idea of another baby. Don't be mistaken, I certainly wanted another baby. But this time I wanted to decide when I would get pregnant. My first two pregnancies were unplanned and I was determined that my third would happen when I wanted it to. Your Daddy and I had already discussed the possibility of getting pregnant in January and welcoming a new baby in the fall. I had it all planned out. It would allow me another summer with Sam and Jack without a newborn in tow, Jack would be potty trained and Sam would be starting preschool. Yes, I had it all planned.

But, you see, God had other plans for us. He knew. He knew that this was the perfect time to bring you, my third son, into our lives. But I still struggled with the idea. It took months for me to become remotely excited about a new baby. I focused on the negatives. I was certain there was no way I could handle three children. Three very young children. I laid awake at night worrying about how I would fit a new baby into our already busy household. I already had days when I felt that I was struggling to keep my head above water and now I would be adding newborn into the chaos. I worried. Endlessly I worried and struggled with your impending arrival.

I found that I wasn't even excited about decorating your nursery or preparing the house for you. I didn't want to pull out the newborn clothes and organize them according to size. I didn't want to think about your name. I didn't want to order bunk beds for your older brothers. I had little desire to deal with anything that would force me to deal with the fact that, like it or not, you were coming.

I became depressed and struggled to enjoy my pregnancy and my time with your older brothers. I finally told my doctor that I was quite certain that there was something wrong with me and that I was absolutely sure I couldn't handle another baby. He encouraged me to hang in there and reminded me often that my feelings were normal and to be expected. Still, I worried.

And I'm sorry to say that my worries never went away. And since I'm being honest with you now, sweet boy, I must tell you that on the day of your birth I entered the hospital an emotional mess. Even though I knew you would be placed in my arms in a matter of hours, I still knew I wasn't ready. I cried to your Daddy, telling him that I didn't want to do this, that I couldn't do this. I asked my Daddy to pray with me and twice he lifted me up to God, praying that I may find peace as your birth was nearing. I thought I was losing it. How could I be crying at such a wonderful time? I knew how wonderful a new baby would be. Another boy to love, just like I love and adore your older brothers. I knew how I should be feeling, but I couldn't shake the fear that was swallowing me whole.

Hours passed and there your were. My beautiful boy. With a head full of dark hair and beautiful dark skin. They placed you in my arms and I fell hopelessly in love with you. Yet, I was still worried. I worried that the fear would sneak up on me again and rob me of my joy, the joy of having you in my life. So I loved you and bonded with you and prayed that I could make you proud. I prayed I would relish every second of your presence and that I never allowed my worries to become apparent to you.

Days passed and I was filled with the greatest happiness. How was this possible? I wasn't experiencing any of the normal baby blues that hit me after the birth of your older brothers. My hormones never got the best of me, leaving me a crying, emotional mess. All I felt was happiness. A happiness and fulfillment that I had never known. You fit perfectly into our family. Your brothers adored you and I was foolish over you. I enjoyed every second with you. You were an easy, sweet newborn and I often wondered how things could be going so well.

Every day I waited for things to go horribly wrong. I was certain that at any moment the reality of having three small children would come crashing down around me. But by God's grace, it never did. Don't misunderstand me, having three children is hard. Very hard. There are days that I find myself still in my pajamas well after lunch and when I don't think I will ever be able to catch up on laundry and housework. And I know that soon you will begin crawling and then walking and that those days when you are into everything will be tough. But most days are wonderful and with you here, they are even more special than I could have ever imagined. And I now know that most days ahead of me will be pretty wonderful too.

So, Will, I hope you will one day understand what having you has meant to me. Not only did you raise my capacity to love to a new level, but you taught me about letting go. You taught me that God knows me and His plans for me are best. So while you didn't come along when I expected, I am so thankful you are here. You are precious and loving and you overwhelm me with feelings of gratitude and love. I am so glad you are here to share this life with us and I am so thankful to be your Mom. You are all I ever needed and didn't know I did and I love you more than you'll ever know.

Love,

Mama