In Case You're Wondering

In Case You're Wondering...


At they very moment your eighteen month old climbs to the top of the play area in Chick-fil-a (for the first time), your older son will need to go to the bathroom.  And getting your squealing baby to come down so you can rush your other son to the bathroom will be impossible.  And you are left with only one option, yell at your baby that you'll be right back and begin the sprint to the bathroom, stopping only to make eye contact with the hostess to tell her to please watch your baby who is somewhere between the cow car, the tunnel and the slide in the play area.  And just when you think it can't get any more stressful, you may have to stand outside the bathroom with your child (who is now dancing because he needs to go so bad) because he's afraid the employee that came in to change clothes may hear him as he handles his business.  And after the unsuspecting girl is done, the concept of making this fast (you know, since your baby is in the play area alone) goes out the window when your son refuses to avoid his normal practice of removing all his clothes to use the bathroom (a method his Daddy taught him that has something to do with avoiding the chance of airborne particles getting on your clothes), leaving you shuffling from the stall to the door in a desperate attempt to keep an eye on both of your children.  You may work up a sweat as you hurry back and forth, all the while muttering to yourself that your husband will have to explain to his son that the removal of one's clothes in a public bathroom isn't an option.  Airborne particles or not.


There's nothing like taking a two of your children to the pediatrician's office in their pajamas and no shoes because you are running so late.  Other mother's will give you the stink eye even after you push your boys into a corner, empty your bag and proceed to dress them.  And just when you feel that you've redeemed yourself in the mothering department, you may see someone you know in the other waiting room.  And that person may ask if you're there for your youngest boy's 18 month well check too (because your boys were born within days of one another) and you may have to explain that you are there for allergy issues and that your son's well check is another day.  And you may have to surrender your mom of the year title when you realize that an 18 month well check hasn't crossed your mind since you carried your second child to one two and a half years ago.  


It is possible to be so scared that you actually black out.  Like if you are at the top of the pull down ladder, shuffling boxes in your very dark attic and your husband chunks his coyote skin by your head at at high rate of speed.  And in that moment, you may be convinced that a rabid wolf has leapt out at you from behind a plastic storage bin.  And you may, indeed, black out for a small amount of time, only to regain your vision which is now a mix of blurry images and white stars.  And at that moment you may spin around and plop down on the ladder so fast that insulation falls to the ground.  And you'll certainly thank God for allowing you to maintain your balance and not slide down the ladder and flatten your horrified children below.  And you'll remember to make a mental note that if your husband says things like, "Hmm, what would you do if an animal was up there?"  or "Did you see that?  Um, I think the top of that container had animal pee on it!", he is not making small talk.  He is baiting you and is preparing to scare the *&%^ out of you.


And finally, when preparing to send your son to school decked out for Johnny Appleseed Day, you shouldn't wait until the night before to try pots on your child's head.  Because then, in an ironic twist, your kid may be the one wearing the colander on his head.  And in that moment, you'll really regret laughing at the "colander kid" in last year's class picture.