Five

Dear Sam,

Last night, well after you had climbed onto the top bunk, I called your name, hoping you were still awake, hoping you'd hear me.  My heart fluttered when I heard your sweet voice, "What, Mama?"  I asked you to come to my room and you bounded through the door in your spider man pajamas, full of curiosity.  You were probably disappointed when I told you that I just needed to see you one more time as a four year old.  And that I needed to hold you and hug you one more time as my sweet, four year old boy.  You obliged with a smile and a giggle and threw your arms around me.  You even let me take your picture, knowing your sentimental Mama needed to document the moment.  Another hug and a quick kiss and off you ran, back to your room. And I was left with this, to treasure forever...

You woke this morning to me singing to you and immediately sat up in bed and told me you needed your Daddy.  I asked you why and you wouldn't tell me.  I worried about what you were thinking and what might be wrong.  I called your Daddy and he couldn't talk.  I told you he'd call back in just a minute and I watched as you sat silently waiting for the phone to ring.  Within minutes, he called and I heard this...

"Daddy?"

"Hey, Buddy."

"Um, Daddy, is it okay if I call you Dad now that I'm five?"

"Sure, Sam.  You can call me Dad."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye, Buddy."

My heart broke.  How had you grown up?  Overnight.  And while I know this was just a small incident, I knew that this was just the beginning.  This was a glimpse of what life has in store for me now, as the mother of a boy who is growing up before my eyes.  A life full of letting go, holding on, heart break, joy, prayers, love.  Oh how I wish I could hold on tight enough.  Tight enough to shield you from pain, disappointment and the harsh realities of a world that does not offer you the love and adoration you find inside the walls of our home.  Tight enough to protect you from people who hurt you, treat you unfairly or fail to see your sweet spirit and precious heart. Sam, if I could, I'd hold tight to you forever.  If only you could stay little forever.  If only I could take care of you forever.  But we both know, this is not God's plan.  You will continue to grow more independent and in doing so, you will need me a little less.  And a little less. And a little less.  And the thought of that. simply and completely, breaks my heart.  And while I'll certainly struggle with the letting go, I know one thing for sure,  

My love for you is enough.

Enough to encourage you to grow.  Enough to watch you chase your dreams.  Enough to cover you in prayer.  Enough to teach you tough lessons.  Enough to watch you fail.  Enough to encourage you to try again.  Enough to always be your biggest fan.  Enough to show you the power of hope.  Enough to be your safe place.  Enough to be your home.  Enough to sit back and watch you shine.  Enough to mend my ever breaking heart.

Sam, you are wonderfully made.  You are a blessing. You are loved.  You are wanted.  You are a child of God.  You were created for a purpose.  You are prayed for.  You are needed.  You are valued.  You are worthy.  You are special.  You are adored.  You are beautiful.  

Shine, sweet boy.  Shine.  

Happy Birthday.

I love you. To the moon and back.

Mama