Labor and Delivery

My labor with Will was everything I'd hoped it would be.  After a bad experience delivering Jack, I desperately wanted my favorite doctor for this delivery.  He had delivered Sam and my experience was wonderful. I was so relieved to be induced, knowing I would be taken care of by a doctor I had a relationship with.  I was started on pitosin around 8:30 and soon felt pretty consistent, mild contractions.  I was immediately given an epidural that worked wonderfully. I did have a few instances where I felt the epidural wearing off, but it was immediately fixed and I was soon feeling no pain again.  I even took a short nap, something I'd seen women do on television and never understood how that was possible.  It probably helped that I hadn't slept at all the two nights before.  While I napped, I progressed from 3 to 8 centimeters and was at 10 centimeters within just a few minutes.  Twenty minutes of pushing (the exact same amount of time I pushed with Sam) and Will was here, and he was perfect.

During the delivery, as I was pushing so hard I felt my eyes cross, I looked up to see Jody leaning over the side of the bed, close to my head, his face contorted, with his hands grasping the bed rails so tightly that his knuckles has turned white.  Mid-push I asked, "What is wrong with you?  Are you okay?  Are you going to pass out?"  "Whoa, wait a minute." he said.  "I'm okay but I need to stop for a second.  I've been pushing as hard as you have and I almost had an accident."  Cue my laughter and disbelief...he can deliver livestock but couldn't handle childbirth.  On a side note, he did the same thing while I was delivering Sam.  I can remember all the focus being pulled from me as he nearly passed out and the doctor and nurse begin yelling, "Sit down!  Put your head between your legs!  Sit down!"

Speaking of cattle...yes, my husband and doctor rekindled the cattle conversation and discussed in great detail all things bovine while I pushed my third son out.  Like...Do the cows birth their calves standing up or lying down?  Do you close them up in a barn or a stall when they are laboring?  What if they are breech?  Who helps the cow with the afterbirth?  Do they nurse immediately?  I refrained from an outburst of, "Hey, guys, see me here?  The chick with her legs spread open from here to kingdom come?  The one pushing so hard her eyes crossed earlier? Um, I'm trying to push out a baby here.  Could we keep the cattle talk to a minimum until I'm done?  I appreciate it."

Never one to hold back, Jody blurted out immediately after Will was born (I'm talking before the cord was even cut), "Okay, which way to the vasectomy hall?"
After visiting hours, my room was very quiet, with just me and Will hanging out together.  I soon began to notice the screams of a baby next door.  They were terrible cries, and would go on for ten or fifteen minutes at a time.  The baby would then get quiet for a few moments and the screams would begin again.  This went on for hours.  I became increasingly worried over this little baby.  What in the world was wrong with him or her?  I had never heard a newborn cry like that, especially with his or her Mama nearby.   Soon I had convinced myself that one of two things had happened...either the mother had died and the nurses hadn't found her yet or the mother had lost her mind and was lying in there in a catatonic state, unaware of her babies screaming.  After three hours of listening to this screaming baby, I called my nurse.  I had to stand up for this poor, pitiful being.  When she arrived I politely told her, "Um, I know this is none of my business, but there's something wrong next door.  The baby has been screaming crying for hours and it only stops for a few short minutes and it starts again.  I think there's something wrong with the mother or something."  My young nurse grinned at me, and appeared to be holding back laughter, "Oh, no. There's nothing wrong over there.  We use that room as a nursery at night and we have been bringing all the babies in to bathe them and give them shots.  That's what all the screaming is about."   Nice.

The bed in the room was for people with circulation issues so every two minutes the bed compressed starting at the head and working its way to the feet.  It was the most annoying and obnoxious sound.  I called my nurse who attempted to turn the bed off with no luck.  Finally, at midnight, I called my nurse back and told her I was sorry but I was unplugging the bed before I lost my mind.  "I mean it," I said.  "I can't take this.  This is ridiculous.  How does anyone sleep in these things?  It's every two minutes.  Two minutes!  How can I fall asleep before it starts again?  I'm unplugging the bed.  I have to." The nurse must have thought I was losing it because in minutes a new bed was being wheeled into my room to replace the other. 

The day we were scheduled to go home, someone knocked forcefully on my door.  "Come in," I called.  A man walked in and announced himself loudly, "CAR SEAT MAN."  "Um, excuse me," I said.  "CAR SEAT MAN!" he said again, only louder this time.  I looked over to my mom, whose eyes were now as large as mine, and gave her a look of "what the heck?" "Um, mam, I'm here to inspect your car seat.  I must make sure it is safe before you are allowed to leave with your baby."  "Um, yes sir.  But, my husband is bringing the car seat when he gets here later."  "Well, mam, you have to call your nurse when your husband arrives and have her page me so I can allow you to leave."  I then took notice of him and tried my best not to kill over laughing.  It was like a Saturday Night Live skit or hidden camera show.  This man, CAR SEAT MAN, was dressed in a uniform with an embroidered shirt with some writing about car seat safety inspector on it and had cargo pants on and army style boots on.  He had a blue tooth in his ear and a belt with attachments hanging off of it. He looked like a special forces soldier.  Straight up delta force.  But he was a car seat inspector.  CAR SEAT MAN. When he left, Mama and I had a good laugh.   And I thanked God that Jody hadn't been there to see CAR SEAT MAN. Thankfully, he was off when it was time for us to leave so we had our inspection with a nurse.  No delta force required.